musings of a sicko.

been more than a month, i kno. i missed a lot of ppl.

work has been ok. waiting for my 2nd pay now.

missing buddy a lot cos i hvn been out with her for more than a month. but tis tues we're finally hitting the beach. her wish, my command.

it's a fren's wedding today n i'm home. y? cos i'm sick. down with d flu. sucks. throat hurts, nose runny, head's aching, body's weak. guess i've been stretching myself too thin. much too thin for a sidekick. all for her hero, n her bf, her buddy, n her family. losing sleep juz so she cld spend more of her waking moments with ppl tt matter. still, d net she casts is not wide enuf. she misses out on some other ppl who matter. captain oblivious is one. d eupharyncus is another. hell, sometimes she even forgets her own self. n when she forgets herself once too often, she falls prey to d common flu virus.

so here i am, all sick n pissed.

not juz cos of d flu, but bcos of him. long story short, he wants me gone.
short story long,
.. i've been spending all d free time i can spare with him, sometimes at d expense of d bf. but it's nvr enuf. d fact of the matter is that he wants more from me.. n i want more from him. well, wantED. u took too long, baby. n now it's too late. u've spoken the words i always hoped u'd keep to urself.

u love me.
THAT way.

n the feeling is mutual. trust me.
the only problem is that i can't act on my feelings NOW. not when i've finally gotten the courage to commit. to him. if i act the way i've always been known to act, it'll simply undermine my attempt to remain faithful.

y?

y must u wait for this situation to surface b4 u tell me that u love me? n if u truly do love me, y is thr no end to ur following of harpies? i'd forget everyone n start over with u, darlink, but i can't be sure that i'll be ur only one. yes, i'm that selfish. precisely y i stayed away n detach myself whenever i hear d name of a new femme that u befriended. we're too alike, u and i. n knowing myself well enuf, i dun wanna be with u. it's too risky.

back to d story.
i've been spending time with him cos our time is running out.. even on his bday, i went out of my way to make it meaningful for him. i was happy when i knew he was happy. even if that happiness was short-lived in rocky times like this.

but the very next day, he claimed that it upsets him whenever i appeared in his random thots. he wanted me to hurt him, so that he wldn't hv to think of me anymore. i refused to, cos i'd nvr hurt him. i love u, darlink. but it all happened too fast. next thing i kno, i was calling him to say gd nyte, n to prove to him that i DO think of him n that i dun juz wait for HIS call. but my cheery hello was greeted by a grumpy voice. when i asked wat's wrg, he said "didn't u receive my msg?"
"i did. wat, were u serious abt wanting me to go?"
"do i sound like i'm joking?"
"... ... ... ... ... ok ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... bye"
"tata"

n then thr she goes. bursting into d final flood of tears for him.

how did it come to this..?

she wanted so bad to hurl curses at him.
she was angry.
betrayed.
shocked.

but as she stared at her empty mobile phone screen, she realised that for once, she was speechless. she cldn't come up with any words to express her feelings.

fine. so tis is how he wants it to be.
she'd beg for him to stay, but tis is as far as her ego wld take her.
she refused to give him her address so that he may write to her when he's gone.

y wld u bother to write to me if u want me gone, darlink?
n y wld u bring more tears to my eyes as i type this very entry?
ur wish is my command.

i'll go away.
as much as it pierces my heart, i'll say goodbye.
it's wat u want.
it's d least i can do.

ur d tyrant.
i'm juz a flan.