We did it again..

We broke up, this time for good.

Before, it was all about compromise. I was willing to give my everything into the relationship. I was willing to sacrifice my religion, my culture, my family (by settling in Canada, probably), my entire future - basically EVERYTHING, for the sake of our happiness together. Cos back then, it was ALL that mattered to me. And his sacrifice for me was to be Muslim for the solemnization ceremony, which was supposed to last a couple of hours max. I found that to be a very big sacrifice on his part, and I fully appreciated it.

However lately it seems to have.. changed. I don't know if he's changed, or if my expectations of us have changed, but I started to feel as though I was waiting too long for the next step to happen. I didn't wanna pressure him into anything that he wasn't ready for, but I just needed to talk to him about my feelings. Halfway through talking about MY FEELINGS, he asserted that he'll never be Muslim, and that his kids will never be Muslim. I may not be religious (I was born a Muslim, but not a practising one), but his words stung the insides of my heart. It's not about the religion (which I don't believe in), but it's about the principle. And then I started thinking about all those times when he made sarcastic remarks about Islam in front of me with complete disregard for my feelings because let's face it - my family's Muslim. I know you don't believe in it, but there's really no need to mock it, especially in front of me. I don't believe I'll be able to take the mockery all my life. And it all boils down to the fact that he's lost respect for me. And that made me look at him differently. This is not the man I want to marry.

The man I would like to marry is one who will respect every aspect of me, who will consider my happiness as important, and who will believe that his love for me is enough to give him the power and conviction to do anything. This is of course on top of the basic criteria like good-looking, good sense of humour, kind, financially stable, will take me travelling and the likes. So then this makes me realise that maybe he wasn't the one for me, and I wasn't the one for him. Even if he says he loves me more than his own ego, his actions don't resonate his words. He didn't give me the security that I needed after 3 years of dating.

Don't get me wrong, I do love him. I still do, and I miss him every single moment. But I'm a practical lady. If he had committed to our future, I could probably suck it in and adjust myself to having to wait a little bit more. But he didn't give me a sense that anything was a certainty, so if I were to waste any more of my youth only to not end up marrying him, I have only myself to blame. And even if we did get married eventually, who's to say that he'll start being a man and treat me like a lady? So far we're more like best friends who have the best sex in the world. That's something I'll really miss by the way.

I really don't know how it got so wrong. A girlfriend of mine said that maybe he's still too young and he doesn't have the same priorities as I do at the moment, so he doesn't see why he should compromise and why he has to give something up (his resistance to religion) for something else (living the rest of our lives together).

Why do I have to go through so many heartbreaks to find my happiness? Why does the universe always build me up just to break me down? I'm really not amused. Maybe I'm not destined for happiness. Maybe I got cursed when as a young girl, I declared my desire to marry a super rich dude. I didn't believe in love then. When I started believing in true love, I got smacked in the face. Nice. Maybe I need to go back to my quest for a millionaire. Who cares if he doesn't love me like I want him to? It doesn't seem to be a real concept anyway. At least with money, I can keep myself entertained, stay home and look after my babies, buy beautiful dresses and shoes and look gorgeous all the time. I can go travel, and go to Ibiza and have a toy boy there. Sigh.

This is entirely different from my fantasy about a happy family with him, Azzurra and Errico. Guess that's not gonna happen now.

Time to stop waiting for a hotot with a ring around his collar.
:(