Parachute didn't work.

So now I gotta just free fall and probably hope for doves or butterflies to ensure my soft landing.

I'm hanging by a thread again here, riding out the reserve/standby month with my close friends away on leave. I received news that my grandfather is not doing so well, I'm wondering if I could see him for one last time before he says goodbye to this manic world. Saw a photo of him in hospital, and he looks terrible. all skin and bones, and a mere shadow of the man he used to be. He used to look after my bro and I when we were young, because both my parents work. He used to give us showers, made sure we eat our meals, sent us to school and fetched us after, and we used to watch WWF on tv together and he used to speak animatedly about each and every character. He used to knuckle us on our heads when we were misbehaving, and taught us to play solitaire. I learned how to fix watches and alarm clocks from him, and whined whenever he made me go to the store to buy grandma some groceries. I used to watch him sew curtains on his very old school sewing machine which I called dibs on but someone gave it away to I-don't-know-who. My bro and I used to play with his Brylcreem and tried to replicate his hair on ourselves. It was so much fun. And now he doesn't even recognise us. He doesn't recognise anyone. He doesn't joke anymore, he doesn't get angry anymore, heck he doesn't even eat anymore. He thinks he has, but he hasn't. I can't get my days off to see him because I'm on reserve all January, and I wonder if grandpa will still be around when February comes. I hope he is, because I need to tell him once more that I love him.

Life is torture at times.
Can't wait to be happy again.